repressed memories

This blog post is for my inner child. The 6-year-old Hilda. And as my fingers are trembling, tears running and sitting at my desk for 4 hours, I need to do this for myself.

Because I am ending 2022 with the truth. MY TRUTH.

I finally remembered and am ready.

I am ready to speak about the truths and what has haunted me for the past 25 years.

This timeline portrays my journey of spiritual growth, truth, and discovering my passions and suppressed memories.

My spiritual journey really began in 2017. That was the year I broke up with my long-term partner at the time. We were together for almost a decade and little did I know, this pivotal moment and decision in my life offset me to discover myself.

2017 was a reckless year, a dark night of the soul, drinking nights till 2 am, buckets and buckets of tears, heartbreak, aching, debilitating, agonizing pain, and most of all…. I really thought I was alone. Plenty of bridges burned… but this was what I needed in order to pivot and find myself again. Looking back now, I’m happy and grateful that I am still here… and, I am appreciative of those that stayed by my side.

2019… It took me 2 years to feel like I can step foot out of my house again without feeling as though I would have a panic attack everywhere I went. Luckily, I was still a business owner at the time and heavily relied on my business partners for emotional support (they were there when I would cry for hours with my face planted on the desk). This was the year that my spiritual abilities came back 100x. I closed it off when I was 7 years old after seeing a demon (yes, a real demon). My senses were so heightened I could feel and absorb everyone that I was close to that is within 5 ft of me. My 3rd eye vision also came back a lot clearer. There would be days when I knew someone was going to bump into, call, or text me. Or when something bad was going to happen…

This was also when I knew I needed to speak to someone. A mentor. Someone that would understand and not call me crazy, doubt or invalidate my feelings… especially when it came down to spirituality. So, I took the initiative to find teachers…. not just one, two, but three. I started to learn and became obsessed with healing. It started with biohacking the body and then becoming certified in energy healing. I took classes with Colin Bates on mediumship… learning how to remote view, talking with those that have transitioned, looking into the future,… to learning about chakras, scalar waves, and psychic surgery with Cyndi Dale. I was like a sponge dipping myself in anything that excited me about spirituality. I craved the idea of healing myself through the mysticism of what I was told at a young age was taboo.

It hit me one day that my goal and purpose is TO REMEMBER, and that mantra led me to learn how to read the Akashic Records by Ashley Wood.

In 2020-2021, I focused all of my heart and energy on meditating and getting into the Akashic Records. At first, I would open the records only for myself and could not believe what I was seeing. It wasn’t until I opened the records for my partner and his brother that I realized the messages resonated with them and a fire lit inside of me. I wanted to do more. To help others remember that they’ve lived multiple lifetimes and become aware that they can ALWAYS change their timeline. I started opening my readings to the public and as soon as I did… I knew that this was what I wanted to do. I finally felt complete, whole, and healed.

2022… This past year was 10 steps forward, 20 steps back, and 5 steps forward with a legion of ancestors, angels, and star guides aside me.

I’ve learned that you can never be done with “healing.” Not if you are attached to an “ending” to healing.

TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual Assault

As much as I go into the Akashic Records and revisit my past lives as an Egyptian, Atlantis, Lumerian priestess, shaman of a village, catholic nun, Buddhist nun, a witch that was hung and burned at the stake…and so much more…what really shook me to my core was remembering what happened to me when I was younger in this timeline.

When a big shift in my life is about to unfold, I would feel the energy shift and my spirit guides would communicate with me months in advance. I would never know exactly when and what it would be until It happens.

There is a memory of when I was 7 or 8 years old in this room with wooden floors and I would be drawing and painting at this desk… the next thing I remember is someone calling me over to a room… and that was it. Everything blacked out and I couldn’t remember anything else.

Well, I remembered.

The beginning of March and at 1 am… I woke up in sweats and uncontrollably sobbing next to Nick who comforted me for hours until I fell back asleep. My memories came back and I found out that I was sexually assaulted.

For the next 3 months, I was in a state of denial, depression, and grief. I didn’t know who to talk to about this, let alone, understand if what I remembered was real. I went to my mentors and they held space for me to express and I felt safe. I dove deeper into my spiritual practices and built stronger communication with my guides. I went within and was able to move through the world slowly serving others as well as being gentle with myself. I was finally coming to a state of forgiveness and learning techniques to regulate my nervous system.

June was the cherry on top.

I had scheduled trades of services with 3 practitioners within the week and the first person that I went to was a Physical Therapist. She was very experienced and had years of training so I trusted her knowing how sensitive my body would react. She is also very intuitive and would deliver messages if she knows you are open to receiving messages. After the session, she asked me if something had happened to my collarbone when I was younger and I was really confused and said not that I could recall. She said that there was scarring and speculated a minor fracture. I didn’t think of it as anything and brushed it off as it being one of my unfortunate past life where I was strangled to death.

The next practitioner I went to see that week was my trusted Reiki Master classmate. We connected right away after we took the Reiki Master class together and I go to her once every 3-4 months. As soon as I lay on the table, I felt heat and energy moving through my body. It was gentle, relaxing, and emotional. After the session, I could tell she had a worried look on her face and that she wanted to say something but didn’t know how. I comforted her and told her that she received a message for a reason and that whatever it was, I was ready to hear it. I took comfort in knowing that it was also coming from her. She told me that she saw someone grabbing my throat and that someone in my family had known about this. I then expressed to her that I was sexually assaulted as a child and thanked her for being honest. That night I came home exhausted and remembered what the physical therapist had said, so I decided to touch that side of my collarbone, and almost immediately I yelled out in pain. The sudden noise startled me as flashes of memories came flooding through giving me a headache. I ended up sleeping early that night because my body was so exhausted.

3 days later, I went to see the last practitioner of the week and she was a bodywork therapist and intuitive healer. And WOW she was amazing. while working on my body, I could feel her energy move through me as she focused on my muscles and communicated with them to release tension. I will say the delivery of her messages was very forward as she tapped into my past and uncovered memories that were too hard for me to take in during such vulnerable moments. She described the tension in my hips and as she moved up my spine and neck she shared how she could physically see visible flushed marks of a handprint around my neck. Interestingly enough, I was having shortness of breath before she even expressed that to me. I immediately called in my guides for protection and safety and started taking deep breaths that I’d learned months before. This was the breaking point for me. I started to piece together what these 3 people had synchronistically shared with me about MY body.

MY body did not feel safe.

I could feel it shutting down and knew I just needed to get home safely. I remember driving home feeling as though I wasn’t in my body. When I got home, I immediately ran to my room and decompressed. I slept, becoming fully aware of how my body was reacting, and tuned into my breathing until I fell asleep. The next morning I had an event to go to where I was giving readings to others from 11am-5pm. I pushed through and decided to go anyways because I had already committed to that day weeks before and just being around conscious practitioners and leaders always made me feel alive.

When I got there, I saw my powerful, loving, medium friend that I consider my mentor, teacher, sister, and second mother. She immediately knew something was off about me and asked me to come into her office space before the event started. I could feel my body about to energetically explode… as if something big was about to unfold and I asked her to help me at that moment. She knew even before I asked her what I wanted to know. and she was the only person that I could trust in this sacred space. Looking back now, I know I asked a lot but I was so desperate to know the truth because I deserved to know the truth. Deep in my heart, I had already placed the puzzle pieces together but needed someone to say it out loud without giving her leading information. She confirmed what I was in denial of and I broke.

Sobbing in her arms and shaking uncontrollably.

From the ages of 6-8 years old, I was sexually assaulted.

and I couldn’t remember because I was unconscious (The perpetrator would choke me until I passed out). This makes complete sense now to understand why I’ve been having irregular breathing my entire life and even more in stressful situations. I finally understand the phrase, “the body always remembers” and the unexplainable triggers that would put me on an emotional roller coaster with my past partners. The perpetrator was a family friend.

Needless to say, after I left to go back to my room, I marked off an hour of my timeslot to give myself time to rest on the massage table. I cried out to my ancestors, angels, and spirit guides for their assistance, support, and energy healing. As soon as I felt ok again, I opened my room and was immediately booked out for the rest of the day. Should I have just left? probably. But, this was a place of healing for me and if I went home, I would’ve just sulked and start to overthink.

The next thing that unfolded was my last client of the day. I will ALWAYS remember this because it was the moment when I knew without a doubt that I was being divinely guided. The client that came in immediately sat down and nervously said, “I have a suppressed memory at a young age around 6-8 years old that I don’t remember and I think I am ready to know what that is.” My mouth dropped to the floor as I slowly opened my eyes to gaze at her and tears started to uncontrollably flow down my face. I said, “you will remember it when you least expect it, but know that when you remember, you are ready to hear it and I am here for you.”

I gave her my personal number and took my own advice as I drove home in tears of sadness, grief, relief, and truth.

To be honest, that night, I was not ok. I could barely sleep as the memories vividly came flooding back and I remember crying to sleep. I knew that I needed to show up for myself in a vulnerable and healthy way or else I would need to admit myself to the hospital… the next morning, I courageously talked to my mother in person and shared with her what happened. I sat there and sobbed my eyes out trembling in anxiety and feeling every shade of anger. She sat there and calmly listened. I broke and sobbed out in pain when she held me and said, “I am so sorry I was not there and did not know that this happened…… cry it all out… it is not your fault…I am here. I am so so sorry I was not there to protect you” (my mom also spent a lot of time in the hospital for a couple of years because she was sick, so there was no way she could’ve known and my dad was always working).

And because I was able to share that with her, I was able to fully give myself permission to heal.

Little did I know, she started her healing as well…

I share this because I KNOW there are people that are searching for their truth and sadly, this has happened to much more of us than we would like. Being raised in an Asian household, I was always taught to keep in my emotions, and topics such as this are never talked about.

This is generational trauma.

My Mother, Grandmother, and Aunts have all been through some form of abuse.

and I am here to END that.

It has been 6 months and some days are sure as hell harder than most but, I move forward in ways that best serve my soul. I have gone to therapy sessions, been under hypnosis, journaled, spoken to family and teachers/mentors, and actively caring for my overall health.

I am sharing this story because I am healing my inner child.

This is for the 6-year-old Hilda that never got to speak her truth because she was too young, afraid, and feared what would happen to her life and family if she spoke up. This is for you and for those that are going through something similar.

May you know that you are never alone and that you are a strong, beautiful, and a powerful being worthy of every happiness and love that the universe holds.

This year was by far the hardest, most transformational, and awakening year for me and I will not take any of the experiences back. I am ready to pave the road and now build a strong foundation for myself and my family.

Cheers to an unforgettable year.

- H